A younger me for instance, felt like my energy was too much for me and others, at my late teens and early twenties. I craved for a man who will be man enough to put his feet down for me.
Not really beating me because I will dislike automatically anybody who comes harshly at me.
I needed a man with strong will to tame me.
Getting into my mid 20s all that changed, I found out my energy was my beauty, the rare attribute that separated me from others and made me unique.
I began to crave for real masculinity,a man who speaks his truth, someone I can share vulnerability with.
When he's not IT, he sees me as bossy, arrogant and full of self,
When he is IT, he embraces my full energy and brings out the best in me.
I think it's mostly because so many women are afraid of speaking their truth, and breaking their selves open.
They live in secret
Before I realized he was damaging me, George was the best thing that happened to me, in my foolish mind though, I would do anything to be with him.
I was 19 and just started dating, I met him before Fredrick, you remember Fredrick? I didn't know I would ever live without him, he was a pleasant guy, charming and sleeky in a very dangerous sweet way.
Like always my younger sister didn't like him"he looks dangerous, like he will harm you at any time and flee" She said one afternoon, I was getting ready to go out on a date with George.
"I love him dearly, he makes my heart race,I love how he makes me feel", I replied her, not wanting to give in , Scholarstica my sister was such a critic, she had plenty ways to look at everything and brings out different sides to it and most times she's hardly wrong ,but George was my Prince Charming, I was ready to be damaged by him.
I saw myself breaking my own rules, I did odd things without qualms, George was a party animal, coming from a humble catholic family,there are rules handed to us by my parents for us to obey, one of them was 'to not stay out late into the night ' ,but George wanted me out with him every night, so I had to find a way, there's a small gate at our backyard that linked our main building to the general compound, it was always locked up at 7 pm every evening, I found the spare key so each time I will be going out at night with George. I will go to bed so early, I will make excuses about having projects to work on, my parents lives in a different building but in the same compound.
If George called to tell me he's coming to pick me, I will sneak out through the gate and run to where he parked his car to meet him, he'd drive off to the club where we'd dance till the wee hours of the morning.,he'd drive me back to my house and I'd sneak in through the gate into my room, once I get in and shower, I'd go to my bed and sleep.
My parents always thought I was resting from reading far into the night, I didn't mention it to my sister, I knew she'd not take it from me.
All the things George loved doing were against my family rule, I took turn and broke all of them.,he was a sex addict, so every meeting had him sticking his huge Manhood inside me and doing very crazy things to my body, it was against my parents rule to engage in pre-marital sex, but George was simply irresistible,like a dangerous drug, he slipt into me and got me intoxicated, foolishly I didn't ask any question,
Suave and differential, I became a slave to George's evil passion,he knew I was helpless with him, in my young tender heartI loved him and wished he'd be there for me everyday, even if I had to disobey my parents.
Though he was from a very good home ,George was a person of his own,had fleets of friends and lived life jollyly, so one evening ,in the tenth month of my relationship with him, I was in his room sleeping after rounds of sex, I didn't know he has gone out, I woke up to find I was alone so I looked around to see if I could find anything to keep myself busy ,I wanted Chess so I opened the drawer where he kept the pack to pick
It out and my hand fell on a metal-like object instead, I removed my hand and looked inside and saw a gun.
My body shook and shivered, I felt cold and hot simultaneously,what could George possible be doing with a gun? different thoughts ran through my mind. I knew I'd ask him, I did eventually and got the shocker of my life.
George slapped me countless time, he kicked him mercilessly ,he was furious and asked me how did I dare? 'what took you to that drawer?" how on earth did you get in there? I was too shocked to talk I cried helplessly, and begged him to take me back to my house, he locked me up inside his room and left with the key,
I stood by the window and cried, it was very late into the night and I couldn't get home alone, I stood and waited for morning, my head ached, I felt pains all over my body, I had to squat and leaned by the wall,I didn't know when I dozed off.
A soft tap on my shoulder woke me ,I was startled, I opened my eyes and saw George kneeling beside me, he looked sober but I didn't need all that, I needed to get back to my house, I started crying again and begged him to take me home, he knelt there pleading with me to forgive him,
I checked my wrist watch, it was few minutes to 5 am, I got up and entered his bathroom, I had a quick bath ,dressed up and started walking out, at that time I could pick a cab that would take me home, George tried so much to stop me but my mind was made up.
I got home and sneaked into my room, my family already got together for morning prayers when I came in, I joined them and spent the prayer hour crying silently, that was when my sister started suspecting I had been up to something ,she knew I didn't sleep in my room, in fact she said she was sure I didn't spend the night at home but I refused to tell her anything.
George called and messaged me but I didn't answer his calls nor reply to his messages, he didn't give up, he kept pushing, tried to explain over and over again how he was arrested by the police on his way home that night because he was driving without light, then he returned to my questionnaire, he begged me to forgive him and promised to never beat me again .
Gradually the hurt started wearing off and I began to miss George's company, because I didn't discuss him with my sister, there was no one to advise me, I believed my emotion wasn't deceiving me, I went back to George again, he was always sweet in all his ways, he swept me off again.
By the time my sister found out I was already torn emotionally,George had a lot of girls he kept, when the shades began falling, I didn't believe I was in that shit-pit, he beat me up again and again, his manhood always put me to sleep, I felt it cannot happen better with anybody, I stayed hoping he'd become a better man, the more I sticked by, the more I got bruised,
The day I told him I was ending everything, he locked me inside his room and had sex forcefully with me for 3 days, I was lucky to escape and ended up in the hospital because I felt dizzy all through.
There was nobody to punish him because it was a life I lived secretly, my sister didn't believe it was not a spell. I begged her endlessly to keep it away from our parents.
My sister stood by me until I healed, I changed my number and made sure I avoided George.
If he is carrying 25 inches between his legs or he knows how to make you experience toe-curling, earth -shattering orgasm, he is only making you realize that it's possible and that you are capable of bringing out such magic.
It does not mean he is the only one that has the magic, he is only showing you the attributes you posses it can also happen with someone else .
No matter how sweet someone makes you feel, it is not the farthest you can go, they helped to open up your ability to experience sweetness deeply. They are only showing you what is possible
Even if it's the sweetest you've felt, you can still feel something sweeter, it is in you and not in them.
You shouldn't mortgage your happiness and peace of mind because of the feelings they give you, there are healthy partners with heavier inches that you can have.,someone who can make you experience something better and you will still feel safe.
