Amanda Modise Told The Story Of Her Struggles With Depression

What I am about to say will either help you or someone next  you, please do take your time to read this, I am about to unpack a bit of my university journey.

My name is Palesa Amanda Modise, I matriculated in 2014 at waterberg high school and yes I was one of the learners who couldnt wait to go to university, little did I know that there was so much to prepare for.

2015 January ,I got accepted at wits and I was excited because well it was one of   the well known universities in our country and world wide. The first mistake I made because of not knowing what to expect , was not applying for a bursary, I focused more on studying and passing than preparing for university Academic requirements, tuition and all,. Well  I got to university and the first thing they wanted was the registration fee which was a bit  task for my parents but they made things happen,

I'm grateful for that.  When I got to class language barrier played a huge role in getting to understand anything in class. Well I managed to get residence, but now they needed 20% before I could have a room, trust me it was one of the most heart breaking time of my life because i couldnt pay it immediately, I had to sleep at one of the tv rooms right at the residence, luckily it was during orientation week and meals were given to first year students. So now I couldnt attend well because I was busy fixing my residence issues " missing out on class"
Believe when I say I was applying for bursaries and nsfas included, nsfas did accept only in june and it paid about 40% of my fees.

I failed my 1st year, I remember telling my roommate who later on became one of my best friend that I dont mind failing as long as I'm not excluded because I tried my best and unfortunately my best was not good enough.

2016 I went back, and well I couldnt go back to residence because now my parents couldnt pay and i had to go look for accomodation, I remember I had to miss a whole month of school because I couldnt make it to school. But because I was repeating I was studying on my own with my previous material. I managed to pass that year. Still applying for bursaries yet no response.

2017 I went back to do my 2nd year and all I can say is it really went from good to the worst. Nothing was making sense, financially emotionally, some of the people know me as the girl who does braids yes I did that only because I need to patch up where my parents couldnt pay eg my rent, food and other basics.

I failed my 2nd year and I decided that I needed to come back home in limpopo because now, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in september. That was  when I knew that its either I am killing myself or I go back home,

I got back to the drawing board. I told my dad and luckily he agreed. I thank the lord for that, I thank him for giving me an understanding father, a father that knows how to comfort his children. I have been home for a year and I  have been accepted back  to the unviersity to study again.

 So I would like to encourage anyone out there who is struggling to take a time out when necessary. Mental health is important.

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Meet Amanda Modise, A Young South African Who Battled Depression.

Amanda Modise is a young South African undergraduate who grew up in a home filled with violence, what she described as a love-hate relationship with her  two fighting parents, saw Young Amanda struggled to find a way out ,for her survival and to create a new life different from what her parents offered her,



In the midst of many needs and wants  and having little to sustain her,she slipped into depression, having no one else to turn to, she  turned back to her father.



Omaleeblog had a Heart to Heart talk with her.....Below are the excerpts.









Tell me briefly about your self, your growing up and your relationship with your parents and siblings?


Amanda

I am 22 years of age, i have 3 siblings they are all girls. I am the first child. I was raised by my father and step mother. My relationship with my mother was rocky (still is) although I now stay with her. Well my siblings are scattered because my home was sold due to cirmcumstances. Me and my siblings still talk now and then, I only share a mother with the 2nd born and the last two share a mother



All of you share the same father?



Amanda

Yes, we do


How  did your  family  influence your  life? The  decisions you  made, would you say it's  being a positive one? Something you  would  look back and  be proud of?


Amanda


I think my parents not being able to provide most of the things made me to study as hard as I can so that I can get entry to the university.  Although we didnt prepare much for it in terms of applying for bursaries because I thought everything was sorted.  My family taught me respect, being humble and confident in everything I do. There are also some traumatic experiences me and my siblings had when growing up. There was domestic violence like in any 9/10 families in south africa. University was my excape plan from that.



Talking about  domestic violence, did you ever witness  fights  between your  parents?


Amanda


Ever since  I was about 5 yes. I can recall almost all of them.



Did it make you hate your parents?

Amanda


I think its more of a love hate relationship. Love- my dad all he can to make sure that we go to school, he provided for everything.

Hate- he used to beat my mother, step mothers in front of us. One thing also was that he didnt want my biological mother to come visit us vice versa, maybe he thought he was doing what was best for us because my mother used to leave us with the neighbours to go drink and party with friends ( this still happens and it takes me back to when I was young) i just wish my siblings didn't see all of those because as much as it traumatised me i think it will too to them. Last night i had a dream about the fights, they keep on coming back

Having witnessed all of these, I'm  curious to know, how you  deal with people of the opposite sex, and your  relationship with people generally? Do you  see the world as being cruel to you and/or do you see the  world as a cruel  place?


Amanda

In the past i had relationships that never lasted because apparently i was a bitter person of which i think at some point it was true. I got annoyed easily by opposite sex, and i never allowed anyone to beat me up, i always saw red flags from afar. But yes i did date and as much as bad things happen i always saw life in a positive way. To always want whats best for my siblings. I am a bubbly person when im used to the person i communicate with but i do have a problem of opening up because i don't know who to trust. I cant talk to my mother about the things she did to hurt us and her lifestyle, honestly i dont know how to approach her.

If you  didn't  go to the university, what else would you have  loved to do?

Amanda

Played netball as a profession.

Why can't you talk to your mum?

Amanda
Like i said previously, i cant open up. I dont know how to put things up without hurting someone's feelings although it is how i see things.
What is your  motto in life?

Amanda

Do your best and let God do the rest

What is your ideal family setting?

Amanda

One where there is respect, whether young or old. Full of love and encouraging others to be their best
What do you plan on doing after school?

Amanda
To become a mining engineer. I will finish one way or the other.

Since the  finances aren't  coming enough, how do you  plan to pull through?

Amanda

I have applied for jobs and learnerships, i already went for interviews and im still waiting for the go ahead. I got a learnership for bank seta for next year and during these holidays im still waiting for pep to confirm. I know it doesnt sound ideal but every cent counts

What is your motivation?

Amanda

I believe i was created for a purpose and to become someone great. What i am going through is just a platform that God made for me but the end of it i have overcame the cirmcumstances. I am winner no matter what.

Do you  like music or movie?
I love  music

Who is your favourite artist?

Amanda


I dont really have a  favourite artist, i listen to beyonce, rihanna actually almost everyone as long as i hear a message in the song. Or just want to dance (on my own yes, i lobe my own space where i can let my hair down😊 once in a while)

Lol, I must say, you're a very intelligent girl, I hope somehow the  government and concerned  individuals /organisations  will read your story and  come to your  assistance

Amanda
Thank you so much. 🌻


What do you have to say to young  people out there  who found themselves  in  violent  homes, especially  those  dealing with depression?

Amanda

I would encourage them to speak up to a stranger, to not put all the weight of this world on their shoulders and know that failure is inevitable but also is success. Stay in their lane no matter what and be humble, have lots and lots of respect. In terms of depression, i would say they must take a day's work at a time. I would also encourage them to play sport its helps alot.

Thank you for speaking to omaleeblog

Amanda

Thanks for giving me your time.

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